By Rihanna Teixeira
A while ago, I wrote a blog entitled, “10 Things You Should Never, Ever, Ever Say to a Single Person” out of my own personal frustration about life as a single. To my surprise, it ended up being my second most viewed blog ever! I loved all the responses I got from other singles with the things that people have said to them. Sadly, I have heard most of them myself as well.
So ladies and gentlemen, here are 10 MORE things you should never, ever say to a single person:
1. “Your standards are too high.”
I honestly don't think I am asking for much. I just want a kind man with good morals who has just the right amount of facial hair, can cook, sing, give me compliments, and talk pop culture with me, all while decorating our new home that he built with his own strong hands that looks like it came out of a Pottery Barn catalog. It's not like I am asking for the world on a gold platter.
2. “You'll find someone when the time is right.”
Do you know exactly when that will be? Because I have a hair appointment at four, and I’d really hate to reschedule.
3. “You just need to be more confident!”
I know, I know. I've read in like a thousand magazines that guys can smell insecurity from a mile away. That's why I wear Victoria Secret’s “Very Sexy.” Secrets cover insecurity.
4. “You're too confident!”
Dang it. Guess I'll switch to Bath and Body Works body spray. It screams: “I'm in high school, my mom drove me to school, and please don't notice my zits while I wait for my next order of Proactive to come in!"
5. “You're too intimidating.”
Really? Is it my high profile career? The prestigious university I attended? Oh, I know, it’s probably because I'm constantly being mistaken for Beyoncé. Okay. Fair enough.
6. “It will happen when you quit worrying about it and you least expect it.”
Okay, here's me pretending not to be expecting it...still not expecting it...Okay, guys, I swear that I am so over men and relationships that—oh, look! A guy I've never seen before! Dang it, he’s wearing a ring. Here’s hoping it’s a purity ring. Crap, I'm not supposed to be caring right now. I can't win!
7. “Just let Jesus be your boyfriend.”
Jesus, like…Savior of the world Jesus? Or the Jesus whose Aunt Rosita keeps inviting me over for enchiladas? Either way I'm going to go with "NO" on that one.
8. “God called Paul to singleness, and it was a gift.”
God also made Zechariah mute for over nine months. Unrelated question: Can I lay my hands on your mouth and pray for you?
9. “You know, [insert name] didn't get married until she was 50, and they are extremely happy.”
Excuse me, I'm going to go eat my feelings now.
10. Have you tried Christian Mingle?
Have you seen the couples on those commercials? They wear clothes from 1999 and the guys all have comb overs.
11. “Guys just don't know what they're missing.”
This is true. I'll give you this one.
So guys, how’d I do? Here's to hoping that we end this epidemic targeted toward singles everywhere, but really, here's to hoping that I won't be part of your group for much longer. Because, you know, it always comes when you least expect it, and I'm not expecting anything. I'M NOT.